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Went to the restroom in a restaurant and saw a sign that said
“Employees must wash hands”
I waited as long as I could but nobody came,
so I just washed them myself.
Employees must wash hands
BP station
$2 million poor
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An American walks into a Swiss bank with a giant, heavy sack in his hands.
He goes to the teller, brings his face close to the glass and whispers,
“I have $2 million with me. I urgently need to open a secret Swiss bank account.”
The Swiss bank teller replies,
“Sir, there’s no need to whisper. Poverty is nothing to be ashamed of in Switzerland.”
Political bargains
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I offer my opponents a bargain:
If they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them.
Two rolls left
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Sally decided to decorate her bedroom. She wasn’t sure how many rolls of wallpaper she would need but she knew that her friend, Meghan next door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in size.
“Meghan,” she said, “How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?”
“Ten,” said Meghan.
So Sally bought ten rolls of paper and did the job, but had 2 rolls left over.
“Meghan,” she said. “I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I’ve got 2 left over!”
“Yes,” said Meghan.
“So did I.“
Damn you fly!
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An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are drinking in a bar. A fly lands in the Englishman’s pint. The Englishman is incensed, and pushes his beer away and orders another.
A fly lands in the Scotsman’s pint. The Scotsman looks at the fly shrugs, and just drinks the fly down.
A fly lands in the Irishman’s pint. The Irishman is furious. He picks out the fly, and violently shakes the fly over his pint glass while screaming,
“Spit it out, you wee bastard!”
Grass sandwich?
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At a school dance, a guy from America asked a girl from Chile to dance. While they were dancing, he gave her a little squeeze and said, “In America, we call this a hug.” She replied, “Si, in Chile, we call it a hug, too.”
A little later, he gave her a peck on the cheek and said, “In America, we call this a kiss.” She replies, “Si, in Chile, we call it a kiss, too.”
At the end of the night, he proceeds to have sex with her on the campus lawn and said, “In America, we call this a grass sandwich.” She said, “Si, in Chile, we call it a grass sandwich, too, but we usually put more meat in it.”
A Drunk’s Prayer
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A drunk man was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily.
Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.
“Please God,” he thought.
“Let it be blood!“
My brother drives like this.
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I was driving with my friend. We come to a red light and he speeds up and whips right through it.
I start freaking out “Hey man, your going to get us killed!”
He replies “Relax, my brother drives like this.”
We come to another red light and he blazes right through.
“You’re going to get arrested or get us killed!”
“Relax this is how my brother drives.”
We come to a green light he stops dead looking both ways.
“Dude, it’s green you can go.”
“Nah man, my brother might be coming the other way.“
McWine please!
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Me: Can I get a glass of wine please?
Employee: Sir, this is McDonald’s
Me: Oh fuck, I’m sorry! Can I get a McWine…
Beige Clouds 